To live a sustainable life

I always seem to blog when I'm in a bad mood.

I'm in a bad mood right now because I have a bad cold and/or a sinus infection. I'm also listening to one of the most guilt provoking books I have ever read, "No Impact Man" by Colin Beavan. It doesn't help that I am listening to the book while I drive my <20 mpg mom-mobile to work, eating my *bucks breakfast in disposable cup and paper wrappers, thus adding hypocrisy to the list of guilts along with profligate waste.

I am trying to do better, at least in fits and starts. I have the front loading washer, and I run it with full loads (usually after the kids complain about not having any clean clothes to wear). Hubbie and I have 3 comforters on our bed so we can keep the thermostat extra low at night. We recycle lots of paper - WAY too much paper - but we feel marginally better that we don't just throw it in the trash. I keep planning gardens, but it ends up being a frustrating battle with cutworms, slugs, rabbits, woodchucks, and unpredictable droughts and floods. I seem to have a little better luck with containers, but they are painfully expensive.

This week I bought a trial box of produce from a local coop. It's organic, which is good. The selection, though, was bizarre. Citrus fruit - ok, I can deal with that, sort of. At least it's in season, though it is no way, no how, local. You can't grow lemon, orange, grapefruit trees in NJ, at least not the last time I checked. With climate change, maybe, but I don't think so. Apples - OK, possibly local, and stored from the fall harvest. Bananas? Kiwi fruit? Grapes ? A tomato?!? Even the spinach is suspicious, although not impossible. Collards - OK, now I just have to figure out what to do with them. And butternut squash, another possible holdover from last fall. Sweet potatoes, carrots. There was also a bell pepper. That was the other thing, lots of variety, generally in very small quantities. I think I'm going to have to look around for a local farm that sells shares of produce for the summer. This coop just doesn't compute for me.

I had been wondering a lot prior to starting this book about some of the questions that Colin raises. I wonder why I am working. I enjoy it, especially when we get really busy. That's a good thing. Hubbie thinks it is good for my mental health to be out of the house, which may be true, except that it is also majorly guilt producing for me. If I were home, maybe I could make the house a more pleasant place to be. I am definitely not working for the money. Most of my income goes to pay for things we wouldn't need if I were not working, like childcare and take-out meals (more paper and plastic, argh!), and clothing for the office and gas to get me to the office.

In one way hubbie is absolutely right, though, about working away from home. I get very frustrated when I am home alone with my children. I love them dearly, make no mistake. They are all heading into adolescence, which is a difficult time, but being a semi-single mother is particularly stressful. I have to balance my own ideas about what is best for the kids with hubbie's, but he is usually not around to help when things go awry. I don't have the ultimate freedom to say yes or no, as I must always check with hubbie about his opinion. I feel second-guessed at every turn, and the kids have picked up on this, leading them to imitate the behavior.

Probably just as well no one looks at this blog. Maybe I will share this entry with hubbie.